Fighting Seasons: Getting to the Other Side
Today's blog post is very near and dear to my heart. How many of us have "issues" going on with us in the inside of us? And how many of us began to think that just because we can't get rid of these issues that seem to be attached to us, that they're somehow apart of our identity and that we have to accept it? I shared a blog post/devotional that I did a little while ago that touched a little on this situation; I would advise you to check it out here. The main point was that we, as a society, have so many issues and things going on with us individually, that we think that the thoughts, situations, and actions that we so desperately want to run from are impossible to escape from. This is when some of us choose to passively give up and accept our "truth" when God didn't create us to give up, but to fight. This very reason is what motivates me to share the awesome testimony of my sister in Christ, Calahna, with you all today -- you don't have to give up, you CAN and were created and equipped to get through this WITH Jesus. No, you in your own ability cannot get you through those intensive thoughts, actions, and situations. The truth is: we live in a broken world and because of so we are indeed subjective to the broken things of the world -- that's why we have to fight. 2 Peter 1:4 (NIV) says: "Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." See friends, we are going to run into things that we don't want to, but that's why it's important to fight because we have the power to get through it -- there's another side that we cannot see right now and the enemy would love to convince us that the other side doesn't exist; that we are "just the way we are." Do you know that when we have God, we've already won! It's only just a matter of getting to the other side of our fight... to the victory! We can't give up because our victory lies in if we'll give up or not, on if we'll wave our flag or not. So, the truth is that we all have things that we are dealing with, but the question is: Will you choose to fight through them... or not?
So, as I stated earlier, Calahna's story will be featured on today's post and she will be sharing her story and her testimony on how she fought through something that seemed to be "who she just was." I just love how open and honest she is -- all in the name of Jesus. Her story inspired me as a believer because it shows that we DON'T have to accept everything that the enemy, Satan, throws our way! We don't have to give in to those thoughts, actions, and situations -- Jesus left us here with power and authority in Him. We have the right to exercise those gifts against the devil. I pray that you all will be inspired by it and come into a new identity of who you are in Christ -- that you don't have to be what this world tells you to and you don't have to accept everything that it accepts.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"
John 16:33 (NIV)
Hi! My name is Calahna Butler and I am a junior in college pursuing the career of a Nurse Practitioner. God has been blessing me beyond measure during my walk with Him... To give you a little insight on my earlier years, I can start off by saying I’m a pew baby -- which means I grew up in the church. During my childhood, my dad was my pastor, but just because I was a preacher’s kid doesn’t mean I lived a perfect life. God called me to Him when I was very young; I got baptized and filled with the Holy Spirit at the age of 7. Throughout my elementary, middle, and high school years I was always called a goody two-shoes, and even in college, I have been called a “church girl." At first I hated being called a goody two-shoes. I wanted to do right, but people made it seem like when I didn’t want to tell a lie or when I wanted to do good when no one was looking, that I was “doing too much” and “didn’t know how to have fun.” However, God showed the beauty in that persecution later in my high school years. I can now definitely say, with 100% confidence, that it is an HONOR to be called a church girl, good two-shoes, or even a Jesus freak! God had to take me through some trails to get me there and that is where part of my testimony starts.
I had a very toxic best friend in middle school from 5-8th grade. She was not a good influence on me, and my parents even noticed it. However, when they would always mention her bad influence to me, I would combat them with “no she’s not, I’m my own person!” I even told my parents that they didn’t know me. Later, when I got a chance to reflect on my friendship, I saw what they were seeing. Deep down I knew they were right, but something would not let me let go of the friendship. God lets us know that bad company does not mix well with good manners in 1 Corinthians 15:33, where the Bible states, “Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.” She would constantly cuss, speak down on people, bully people, and be involved in drama. While she was doing all of this, I would not participate in everything, so she would began to speak down to me and so, we constantly got into arguments. At the end of our 8th grade year, we found out that we were going to the same high school. While I was happy, she told me that she couldn’t be my best friend anymore because her brother and sister (who was currently attending the high school) was popular, which made her popular, and I was too lame because I wouldn’t do the things she did. She told me that all we could do was say "hi" and "bye" to each other, and that is exactly what happened... She dropped me like a fly and continued to live her life how she was living it. That was just all apart of God’s plan for my life; however, my trail was just beginning.
Now that I am in high school, I have no friends. I literally hung out with my best friend so much that I just had a lot of associates. Many freshmen at my high school came from my middle school, but all they talked about was music that I didn’t listen to, parties, and they weren’t trying to live a godly life. I wanted to live for God; so I cried out to God in prayer, asking him and pleading with Him for godly friends to survive these high school years with. He answered that prayer, but that is another story. Anyway, in this time of loneliness and trying to find a real relationship with God that was barely there... I started to stray away. I got so tired of eating by myself at lunch time that I went and sat at the “popular” table. I knew almost everyone and I tried to engage in their conversations, but I just didn’t feel right. I started to go to the school parties, homecoming and snow coming; I even brought a change of clothes to one of the dances because I didn’t want my dad to see what I had on. I was twerking at these parties. I had my first twerk at my 8th grade junior prom and when I went to high school, the parties were worse. However, after first twerk, my flesh started to love twerking. I had so much fun! During this low time in my life, I also got hit with one of the biggest tests in my life so far.
When I started high school, I started to become sexually attracted to women. After the spirit of homosexuality came upon me, I became scared, confused, worried, and lost. Growing up in the church, I knew this was a feeling I was not supposed to have, but yet the feelings that I had felt so natural -- like it was meant to be. No. This was not just a silly women crush; it was real. The same feelings I had for men, I was having for women. I could be turned on by women, I wanted to have sex with women, I wanted to make out with women, and the list could go on and on. I constantly battled with homosexuality in my mind, and I didn’t want to have these feelings, but every time I saw a girl, these feelings would arise. When these thoughts and desires would arise, I would try to dismiss them and push them to the back of my head, but they always came back. Sometimes I would think about the thoughts a little too much and I thought about how much I would like to be with a girl. There were open lesbians and bisexuals at my high school, so when I would see them kiss or touch each other, I would want to do the same thing. I cried out to God and asked Him, "Why am I having these feelings? I know they are wrong but they feel so right. Why are you not taking these thoughts away, like I asked you to?" Why, why, I kept asking God, why? I would talk to Jesus in the hallways on the way to class, like, "God, I need you to take these feelings away. I don’t want to have feelings for girls. I am trying not to have these feelings and I know you see me trying." The devil even tried to put thoughts in my head. One day, I was walking from class and I said, “Lord, I am tired of pushing back these feelings, something has to be done about them.” I had a thought that came from no one, BUT the devil himself. I thought, “You know what? Maybe I am bisexual. Maybe I was just born this way. It feels so natural; so maybe... I can just try it out and see if I like it." I continued to think, "I have seen people before who still love God and be gay. If I like it -- then I do, and if I don’t, then I don’t! What harm could trying it out do?”
But do you know of the awesome God we serve?! Exactly right after that thought, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and He said, "OR you can really seek me with all your heart. Try again, but truly give God ALL of your heart. How bad do you want to have a relationship with God? Have you been living your life according to Bible, holy and righteous? How can you twerk on these guys and be a light for me? You can’t serve two masters, choose." I chose God.
I thank God to this day that I chose Him! I stopped twerking, I stopped trying to fit in, and I intentionally sought God in prayer. I called on Jesus’ name, asking Him to help me through that test. I repented and told God that I surrendered all to Him. I invited Him to come into my heart, to come into my mind, to lead me and guide me, and to take away the spirit of homosexuality. I did what I knew to do and also what my parents taught me to do so well, which was to always call out Jesus’ name in the time of trouble! I didn’t know how He was about to take a whole mentality away from me, but I do know one thing: I had faith. I knew that there was power in the name of Jesus! I didn’t know how to go to my parents and talk about this, and I didn’t have friends to go to and talk about this, so I went to Jesus! When my back was against the wall and I was ready to give in, God came into my low place and spoke to me! His promises are so true and they are all sketched in stone in the Bible. Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:7, “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” God was molding me and He was making me into the strong and faithful woman of God I am today. He said that, “…I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5b). This has been true for me and He has never left me alone... not in this trial, nor the trails that came after that one. Even through the test and trials I go through that I do not understand, my testimony and my faith in Him gives me the confidence to continue moving forward. Greater is HE that is within me! No matter what, I know that God is for me and if God is for me, who can be against me?
I would like to encourage every reader that is reading this to remember that no matter how BIG the problem is, no matter how impossible it may seem, God can do it! The key is to remember to just be faithful to Him and He will do the rest! God has completely wiped away every piece of sexual attraction I had towards women til’. this. day. I stopped having sexual thoughts towards women in the middle of my sophomore year of high school, and gradually God helped me through it. He will change that impossible situation into a possible one, I’m a witness, believe that Jesus can and will.
With much love,
Calahna
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